I handed the envelope to Rose yesterday and told her to deliver it to Lo just in case I chickened out. As concerned as Rose has been for my recovery process, I’m sure that was the first thing she did when Lo walked through the door.
I have no idea how many times I can kiss him. How much I can cli**x or if I’m allowed to have sex anywhere other than a bedroom. I’m so compulsive about intercourse and foreplay that limits have to be set, but following them will be the hardest part of my journey.
His thumb wipes away my tears, and I brush his. I wait for his answer, my eyes glued to his lips that I want to kiss until they sting and swell. His forehead lowers, dipped down towards mine, and I become so aware of how his fingers press into my hips, of the hardness of his body. I need him to close that gap between us. I need him to fill me whole.
Hastily, I meet my lips to his, expecting him to lift me up around his waist, to plunge his tongue in my mouth and slam my back into the siding.
But he doesn’t give in to my desires.
He leans back and breaks the kiss in a matter of seconds. My stomach drops. Lo rarely tells me no when it comes to sex. He’ll play into my cravings until I’m wet and wanting. Things, I realize, are about to really change. “My terms,” he whispers, his voice husky and deep.
My whole body already pulses from his nearness. “Please,” I beg. “I haven’t touched you in so long.” I want to run my hands over him. I want him to thrust into me until I cry. I imagine it over and over, torturing myself with these carnal thoughts. But I also want to be strong and not throw myself at him like he’s only a body I missed. He means so much more to me. Maybe he’s hurt by my persistence to kiss him? Maybe he sees it as a bad sign? “I’m sorry,” I apologize again. “It’s not that I want you for sex…I mean, I do want sex, but I want you because I miss you…and I love you, and I need…” I shake my head. My words sound stupid and desperate.
“Lil,” he says slowly. “Relax, okay?” He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “You don’t think I know this is hard for you? I knew we were going to run into this moment.” His eyes fall to my lips. “I knew you were going to want to kiss me and for me to take you quick and hard. But that’s not going to happen today.”
I nod rapidly, hating those words but trying to soak them in and accept them. Uncontrollable tears begin to flow because I’m afraid I may not be able to restrain my compulsions. I thought being away from Lo would be the difficult part, but learning how to have a healthy, intimate relationship with him suddenly seems impossible. He’s a man that I want to take advantage of every minute of the day. If I’m not doing it, then I fantasize about it. How can I stop?
His breathing shallows, as though my tears are driving knots into his stomach. Mine has already collapsed. I feel utterly destroyed by guilt and shame and desperation.
His fingers dig harder in my sides, as though reminding me that he’s here, touching me. “What’s going to happen,” he breathes, “is that I’m going to carry you through this door. I’m going to draw out every single moment until you’re exhausted. And I’m going to move so slow that three months ago will feel like yesterday. And tomorrow will feel like today, and no one in this f**king universe will be able to say your name without saying mine.”
And then he kisses me, so urgently, so passionately that my lungs suffocate. His tongue gently slips into my mouth, and I savor each and every movement. He kneads the back of my head, gripping my hair, yanking and sending my nerves on overdrive.
His hands fall to my ass, and he effortlessly lifts me up. I wrap my legs around his waist, squeezing tightly into a front-piggyback. He guides me inside, just as he promised. I hook my arms underneath his and press my cheek to his hard chest, listening to the unsteady beat of his heart. We’re so close, but I still ache to be closer. My breath shallows for it.
He kisses the top of my head and carries me into my bedroom on the second floor. Well—our bedroom. My net canopy is pulled back, the comforter black and white with red sheets. Lo rests my back against the mattress, and I reach up to grab a fist-full of his shirt and yank him on top of me. But he steps back and shakes his head.
Slow, I remember. Right.
My legs dangle off the edge, and I prop myself on my elbows as he stands in front of me.
“I’m yours,” he tells me. “I will always be yours, Lily. But now it’s time for you to say it.”
I sit up and my eyes flit over all of him. In all our life, he has never once said to me, you are mine. He has never taken me the way I’ve taken him. He has given himself to me. And I realize, it’s my time to make this right and give myself to him.
“I’m yours,” I whisper.
The muscles in his jaw twitch, almost smiling. “I’ll believe you when I see it.”
I squint. “Then why’d you tell me to say it?”
He leans forward, his lips so close to mine. His palms set on either side of my body, forcing me to fall back a little. I hesitate to kiss him. He’s testing me, I think. “Because I love those words.”
My lips part. Kiss me, I plead. “I’m yours,” I breathe.
His eyes drop to mine, watching me, drawing out the moment. The spot between my legs aches for him. I want the pressure of his body—to rock against me, to fill me, to say my name over and over.
Kiss me. “I’m yours,” I choke, wide-eyed in utter suspense.
And then he sucks on the bottom of my lip, he teasingly bites it and then sinks his pelvis into mine. I buck my h*ps to meet him and he lets me.
Lo grips the hem of his shirt and tugs it off his head, tossing it aside. Before I run my palms over his taut chest and newly sharpened abs, he laces his fingers with mine. Simultaneously, he puts his knee on the mattress and pulls me higher onto the bed, my head finding the pillow.
He climbs on and keeps my hands trapped in his. Then he stretches my arms high above me, our knuckles knocking into the headboard.
His body hovers over me, no longer melded together. I squirm beneath the space I dearly hate, my heart thudding and raging to be even closer. “Lo…” I can’t take it anymore. My back arches a little as I try to meet his body again, and he tilts his head, disapproving.
So I stay still. I try to let him take control since I need to go slow. His lips lower but linger from touching mine. He keeps that distance as he unbuttons my jeans, relinquishing the hold on my hand. He uses his other to guide my palm to his zipper. Yes. It takes only seconds before I have him unzipped and unbuttoned, tugging his jeans off with familiarity. I wiggle out of mine and he lifts the shirt off my head, in nothing but a black lacy bra and panty set. I did know he was coming home today, after all.
He soaks in the curvature of my body with headiness, and he begins to remove his last article of clothing. “Eyes on me,” he says huskily.
They are permanently fixed to the bulge in his boxer-briefs. “They are,” I mumble. Technically this is a part of him.
“My eyes, love, not my cock,” he says, a smile behind the words.
I raise my gaze as he slips off his boxer-briefs. Watching the way he looks at me nearly sends me into a tailspin. I swallow and can’t help but catch a glimpse. Oh God, I need him now. He’s hard and as wanting as I am, but yet, he has restraint.
I do not.
He could easily take advantage of my eagerness, most guys would. But in order to help me, he has to control my impatience and my compulsion to go again. And again. Because my addiction isn’t entirely a one-way street the way his is. I need his body in order to satisfy these unhealthy desires.
So he must say no at some point. I just don’t want it to be soon.
He leans forward again, and his lips begin their descent from my neck to my belly button, sucking, nibbling—teasing. My hands grip his back while I hold a moan deep in my throat.
He kisses my hipbone and gently slips off my panties, the cold air nipping the most sensitive places. I expect his lips to warm the spot, but he eases off me and unclips my bra, sliding the straps off my shoulders so, so slowly. The light touch taunts my nerves and my sanity. His tongue runs between my br**sts and then dips back into my mouth. And that’s when his arms scoop around me and lift me up in a tight embrace, my br**sts melding into his muscles, my limbs nearly tangled in his. My legs wrap around his waist, and I ache to lower onto his cock. But he keeps his arms locked around my chest, forcing me above his lap.
“Sit on your legs,” he tells me.
He lightly kisses me and tears away while I try to go in for another stronger one. “Sit on your legs, Lil. Or I’ll do it for you.”
That sounds better. He sees the glimmer in my eyes, and he picks up my right leg and bends my knee so my heel is underneath my butt. As he goes for the left, his hand skims up my thigh and to the crease of my ass. Holy…
Okay, I’m sitting on my heels now, trying not to come before he enters me. What if my therapist wrote that I can only cli**x once? Besides that sounding like torture, I hope to have sex with Lo today. I will not ruin that by going crazy with foreplay.
I’m still sitting straight up, and his body has not drifted from mine. His heart pounds against my chest, and he cups my face in his hand.
“Breathe,” he tells me. “Just remember to breathe.”
And then with measured unhurriedness, he gradually rests my back onto my comforter and slowly begins to slip inside of me. The position allows for such deep entry that I cry out and grab onto his shoulder for support.
His forehead rests near mine, and he raises my chin, kissing me forcefully, just how I like it, before he begins to rock agonizingly slow. Each movement mimics our heavy breaths. My parted lips brush his as he digs deeper. I whimper, my toes already curling, my head already flying off my body.
His hand massages my breast, but his eyes never once leave mine. Hot tears seep from the creases, the intensity and emotion driving me to a peak so high that every time I breathe in, he breathes out, as though keeping me alive for this moment. I melt into his slow movement, the way he disappears inside of me, and the pace that causes my body to light on fire.
“Don’t stop…” I cry. “…Lo…” I tremble, and his arms slip around my back again, holding me tighter.
He speeds up a little, and I feel the top of the hill. I see us climbing together.
And then he thrusts and holds inside of me. I buck and cry and claw at his back. My whole body pulsing, my heart thrumming—I am his.
I collapse back onto the bed, too exhausted to lift an arm or a leg. He takes care of me, bending my knees and stretching my legs out from the last position. He rests his hands on my kneecaps, and leans forward to kiss me again. I taste the salt from our sweat, and I raise my hand to grab the back of his hair, my eagerness suddenly replacing the tiredness from our emotional sex. But he laces his fingers into mine, stopping me.
I frown. “No?” Only once?
He shakes his head and then kisses my temple. “I love you,” he whispers, his breath tickling my ear.
“I love you too,” I tell him. But I do want to wrap my legs tightly around him, giving him no choice but to harden and take me again. He scrutinizes me closely, and he must see my impatience for round two.